I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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