Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
