the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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