how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
