She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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