i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
