Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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