i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
