My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
