Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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