Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize