Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize