Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
