my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
A+ Viking dick
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
