I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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