youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize