i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
