Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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