I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
