the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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