so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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