After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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