You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
