Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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