i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
