A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
