Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
