i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I need moral support for this bender
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
