get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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