look no pants
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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