Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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