I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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