Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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