i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
this is an emotional support booty call
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
