I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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