help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
