Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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