lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
