The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
