just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
