Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
