I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
