when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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