I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's always time for handjobs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize