So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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