once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
