Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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