and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
