Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
