So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
