New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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