We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i will never coherently bang her
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
