please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
dude. I can hear the air.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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