the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
