if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's paint friendship bongs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
