there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Your cock deserves a montage
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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