i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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