I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
